Your relationship with your husband/wife/partner is unique. Whether you have known each other since childhood, fell in love in a short whirlwind romance or have a long complicated story, your partnership needs to be nurtured and cared for as you travel through life’s different phases.
New parenthood truly expands and tests the definition and limits of that binding relationship. The two of you have suddenly become three (or more!). The topic of conversation has shifted from work, in-laws, friends, movies, weekend plans and carefree vacations to new smiles, the adventures of rolling over and sitting up, the number and quantity of a feeding, diaper duty, sleep deprivation, laundry and the shocking joys of a brand new life!
The thrill of parenthood cannot be compared with any other experience. It is the hardest and best work you will ever do. The joys are never ending and so are the dilemmas.
It is easy to lose your original relationship in the shuffle. What brought you two together suddenly disappears in the maze of daily responsibilities and unending surprises.
How can you still keep the relationship alive when you are distracted by kids, work, etc.? You need to find a way to maintain the magic of your own relationship. A happy couple makes happy parents!
Sounds easier than it is! Let’s start with the most simple way to get this going. DATE NIGHT.
Make a commitment that no matter what happens during your week, the two of you will make a conscious effort to spend one evening on a “date.” Now, this does not have to be a dinner and movie sort of date. For most new parents finding baby sitters and disposable income can be a challenge. Date night is:
1. A small to large amount of time set aside to be together
2. Time together away from your baby/child
3. Time spent away from the house/apartment
4. Cancellations are only due to illness on the part of a child (fever, vomiting) or parent (fever, vomiting)
This can be a simple stroll through the local mall, a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop, a hike in a local park, or it can be more elaborate. Try dinner out, take in a movie then dessert where you can talk afterwards, or get together with friends for some fun.
Yes! The cell phone is welcome to come along. It is fine to know that the person charged with the care of your most precious life can find you with any question or concerns. Just try not to run home if you hear that the baby sneezed or cried. The baby will be just fine.
True stories:
I learned my lesson with my first born. I never went out or left her with a sitter for almost two years. I was a wreck! I trusted no one! Sensing this, my child thought she could not breathe unless I was in view. Looking back, I know I created this situation myself.
By the time number two came along I had learned a lot. When I was due to give birth we were out on a Saturday night date at a local restaurant. The waiter noticed how large I was and asked when I was due. I joked that I was giving birth that night. Well, I DID go into labor that night and gave birth to daughter number two on Sunday!
Being the experienced smart mom that I was, I was back at that same restaurant for date night the next Saturday night. I, of course, reminded our astonished waiter about the pregnancy the week before. He was amazed. So was I!
We started going out on that night and continued that until the kids were grown and moved out!
What a difference it made to our children and to our marriage. It gave my children a sense that, as important as they were to us, their parents also were committed to each other. It became a wonderful routine that just turned into a normal routine that kept us all healthfully bound to each other.
Priceless time with Parent #2
If you follow the recommendations of date night as described above and find that it adds to your life - this idea will truly add another level of joy to your life.
There is always one parent who is the primary caregiver. Even if you both work, one parent tends to be the parental decision maker. The one who primarily does the bathing, dressing, feeding, diapering and parental related decisions is considered the primary caregiver. This individual tends to know their baby a bit better than the other. This is not a criticism, just a result of time spent.
This is when I feel it is important for the secondary caretaker to take on a new and exciting task. If this has not already occurred naturally the following is highly recommended:
Take your child out alone one morning a week. Go on errands, the park, a child friendly restaurant, the zoo, a walk, the beach, or any where you can spend time one on one with your child. The experience will serve a multitude of purposes.
1. You will learn the nuances of your baby/child and feel more confident being alone as the parent
2. You will feel a kind of pride you can only experience on a one to one basis
3. There will be a new closeness between you and your child that cannot be accomplished at home
4. The joy of experiencing and developing your own special stories about your child is priceless
5. A new tradition will be developed that will grow with the child
True story.
My husband worked all week and sometimes did not even make it home to have dinner with us as a family. He was often tired and did not have the joy of bath time, bedtime, or story time on a regular basis.
The children adored him but I always needed to tell him about the new things the baby was learning to do and the funny adventures we were having each day.
He started taking the children out to breakfast as soon as they could put “Cheerios” into their own mouths and sit up in a high chair.
This became my time to sleep late, start exercising, make special phone calls or take a long bath! It was perfect.
The started each Saturday with a trip to IHOP. It was very cute to see them going off each Saturday with a smile on their faces knowing that they were off to spend time with their Daddy. Even when they were not yet walking, they looked so proud when he held then up on his hip and waved good-bye to me as they left on their little adventures.
These Saturday morning excursions continued through the years. It became a “sacred” tradition that only got postponed by illness or a rare scheduled event. All in all it was a given that this was Daddy Time.
They would come home all tired and smiling. The experience of the outings nurtured a closeness that nothing else could have created.
I think the joy of my husband telling me what funny and adorable things the children did was enough to convince me that this was a healthy and necessary experience for all of us.
Of course IHOP expanded into the park, sometimes my husband invited other dad’s and their kids to join them, they listened to music in the car and sang along, they were able to surprise me with small shopping excursions for birthdays or Mother’s Day, they relished trips to the bookstore and library, they grew these outings into a tradition that continued far beyond those first experiences with Cheerios.
Even later, when soccer games, homework, or religious school got in the way, my husband found a way to continue the tradition—leaving half an hour early to grab a bagel before the soccer game, or by taking a trip to the bookstore on a Saturday afternoon. Efforts were made to continue the special time together.
My children are grown. But when you mention Saturday mornings to them - you should see their eyes light up with the memories that they created with their Daddy. Priceless? You bet!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Following through with Threats
Threats, Consistency and Follow-through with Young Children
Understanding discipline helps us to be better at teaching our children.
Imagine you arrive at a game where no one has explained any of the rules to you. You are expected to play this game. All you know is you have a team but no one seems to truly speak your language. You only understand some basic terms. How are you going to join in? Well, you are going to test out the rules until someone shows you what you can and cannot do. These are the boundaries…this is where you need to go…these are the people you are allowed to interact with…if you step over there you get yelled at…if you knock someone over you get a response…are you allowed to pull someone’s hair? You observe those around you and mimic what you see then watch to see if you get a positive or negative reaction. You learn all the rules by pushing your limits until you are pulled back into the game to follow the rules properly.
Just like this game, our children arrive into our world and do not know the rules of life. They observe and test out the limits everyday. Am I allowed to push? Is ok to kiss my mother? Do I get a good reaction when I cooperate with my siblings? When are they laughing at what I do? When are they angry with me? If I try to step into the street without holding someone’s hand what happens? If I pull the dog’s tail is that good? What are all these rules? Are they the same rules everyday? There is so much to figure out. It is a constant hunt for the limits.
Now we can see that our children are destined to misbehave. It is actually an important part of their development! In doing so they are asking for a guideline for their behavior. By pushing the limits and receiving feedback they learn what is appropriate and inappropriate. This is true throughout their early years on into their young adult years. It is up to us to make the rules clear and consistent. So here are some RULES for making the RULES!
The first important thing is to be consistent. Imagine if you were playing that same game and tackling your opponent appeared to be allowed sometimes but you never could figure out when it was or wasn’t allowed. Sometimes you tackle and your team cheers and other times you tackle and your team puts you on a time out. You would feel very insecure in your new game. The same for a child. You cannot allow a child to get away with something one day with one parent and then punish them the next day for the same behavior from another parent. The signal received is confusing and can make life rather scary. The rules need to be clear so that things make sense.
Work hard with your parenting partner to agree on behavior guidelines. Discuss these in private and come to a general agreement before dealing with the child. This is your general game plan. Granted, this takes a lot of cooperation, give and take and team work. But the outcome will pay off. Every parent has his and her theories, but it is important for any team to at least agree on the basics, and allow those agreements to be up for re-evaluation from time to time.
Please do not make threats UNLESS you mean to carry through. Some threats are just unrealistic and are said out of frustration. These are usually ridiculous and cannot be carried through to reality. If you have a young child misbehaving in a restaurant do not be tempted to threaten them with “We are never taking you out to dinner again!” You may feel that way but that is by no means meaningful, realistic or a solution to the behavior. Are you really NEVER going to take them out again?
More realistic may be, “Do not get out of your chair again or I will have to take you outside.” Then if that happens, get up, and escort the child outside the restaurant. No discussion, no bargaining. It is not always the punishment that a young child they fears. It is knowing that you are going to carry through on your word without hesitation that concerns them. They will learn this quickly. Once outside you may just need to say that they can return to the dinner when they are ready to stay seated.
I have heard the most unrealistic threats made by parents to a child. They almost can make me laugh if I believed that in the end the child was learning something. But instead it is a sad thing to listen to.
Haven’t you ever heard friends, relatives, strangers or perhaps you or your partner saying, any of the following?
Airport scene- “Stop it right now or we are not going on this vacation!” (Right, you are going to leave the airport and go home and let your luggage continue on its way to Hawaii?)
Restaurant scene- “Don’t run around the restaurant or we are not ordering desert.” Then 10 minutes later you notice that child being called back from hiding underneath a table 2 tables away for their ice cream sundae.
Birthday party scene- “You have to stop crying or I am going to have to send all your guests home right now!’ (Yes. Great idea. Call the 10 moms and dads and see if they can all be picked up NOW.)
Anyway, BE REALISTIC AND MAKE THE THREAT FIT THE BEHAVIOR. Otherwise, why should any child react to a threat that cannot become a fast reality. How are they going to learn? Why would they change their behavior when the threat cannot be carried through?
It is always better to have immediate consequences for a young child. The negative behavior should be followed up with a negative result not with a threat of what will happen when you get home. The immediate feedback is more important and gets faster results. Long term threats and punishments are more appropriate for older children.
If you are in an awkward location for a reprimand or discipline try your best to remove the child from the situation. Eliminate the “audience” which can alter their behavior. Go for a small walk, go outside, move to a corner or a quiet room. The one on one is much more effective. There is no one for the child to “play to” in terms of acting like the victim or finding sympathy from grandma or any other onlooker. The removal itself can feel like a punishment. Swift and immediate reaction will get results. Once away, then you can tell the child what behavior you disapproved of and what you expect instead. Once you believe they understand then you can quietly bring them back. It is an emotional time out and also allows the child to reset their momentum.
The most important way to let your child know that they are behaving in an acceptable way is to provide POSITIVE feedback. Negative feedback comes naturally to most of us. We react immediately to a bad behavior. It is reinforcing the positive behavior that takes more effort. I think it is the positive reinforcement that actually is most important. Don’t wait for a child to misbehave before providing feedback. Remember to say to your child, “I am so proud of how nicely you are sitting here being patient. Good for you!” Be sure to tell your child, “That was so nice of you to share that toy with your friend. That shows me what a good boy you are.” Try, “I heard you say thank you without even being told to say it. Wow! What a good girl you are!”
All this positive feedback is what makes a child feel good about themselves and makes them want to repeat a certain behavior. They are getting attention for being good. That is worth repeating as far as they are concerned.
All of this can be exhausting. There is no doubt that teaching a child right from wrong takes up energy. But that energy is well worthwhile. The pay off comes as you see your child learn to behave appropriately in different settings. Parenthood is tiring, but doing it well is priceless. So get out there and teach the rules of the game of life. Be a life’s coach.
Understanding discipline helps us to be better at teaching our children.
Imagine you arrive at a game where no one has explained any of the rules to you. You are expected to play this game. All you know is you have a team but no one seems to truly speak your language. You only understand some basic terms. How are you going to join in? Well, you are going to test out the rules until someone shows you what you can and cannot do. These are the boundaries…this is where you need to go…these are the people you are allowed to interact with…if you step over there you get yelled at…if you knock someone over you get a response…are you allowed to pull someone’s hair? You observe those around you and mimic what you see then watch to see if you get a positive or negative reaction. You learn all the rules by pushing your limits until you are pulled back into the game to follow the rules properly.
Just like this game, our children arrive into our world and do not know the rules of life. They observe and test out the limits everyday. Am I allowed to push? Is ok to kiss my mother? Do I get a good reaction when I cooperate with my siblings? When are they laughing at what I do? When are they angry with me? If I try to step into the street without holding someone’s hand what happens? If I pull the dog’s tail is that good? What are all these rules? Are they the same rules everyday? There is so much to figure out. It is a constant hunt for the limits.
Now we can see that our children are destined to misbehave. It is actually an important part of their development! In doing so they are asking for a guideline for their behavior. By pushing the limits and receiving feedback they learn what is appropriate and inappropriate. This is true throughout their early years on into their young adult years. It is up to us to make the rules clear and consistent. So here are some RULES for making the RULES!
The first important thing is to be consistent. Imagine if you were playing that same game and tackling your opponent appeared to be allowed sometimes but you never could figure out when it was or wasn’t allowed. Sometimes you tackle and your team cheers and other times you tackle and your team puts you on a time out. You would feel very insecure in your new game. The same for a child. You cannot allow a child to get away with something one day with one parent and then punish them the next day for the same behavior from another parent. The signal received is confusing and can make life rather scary. The rules need to be clear so that things make sense.
Work hard with your parenting partner to agree on behavior guidelines. Discuss these in private and come to a general agreement before dealing with the child. This is your general game plan. Granted, this takes a lot of cooperation, give and take and team work. But the outcome will pay off. Every parent has his and her theories, but it is important for any team to at least agree on the basics, and allow those agreements to be up for re-evaluation from time to time.
Please do not make threats UNLESS you mean to carry through. Some threats are just unrealistic and are said out of frustration. These are usually ridiculous and cannot be carried through to reality. If you have a young child misbehaving in a restaurant do not be tempted to threaten them with “We are never taking you out to dinner again!” You may feel that way but that is by no means meaningful, realistic or a solution to the behavior. Are you really NEVER going to take them out again?
More realistic may be, “Do not get out of your chair again or I will have to take you outside.” Then if that happens, get up, and escort the child outside the restaurant. No discussion, no bargaining. It is not always the punishment that a young child they fears. It is knowing that you are going to carry through on your word without hesitation that concerns them. They will learn this quickly. Once outside you may just need to say that they can return to the dinner when they are ready to stay seated.
I have heard the most unrealistic threats made by parents to a child. They almost can make me laugh if I believed that in the end the child was learning something. But instead it is a sad thing to listen to.
Haven’t you ever heard friends, relatives, strangers or perhaps you or your partner saying, any of the following?
Airport scene- “Stop it right now or we are not going on this vacation!” (Right, you are going to leave the airport and go home and let your luggage continue on its way to Hawaii?)
Restaurant scene- “Don’t run around the restaurant or we are not ordering desert.” Then 10 minutes later you notice that child being called back from hiding underneath a table 2 tables away for their ice cream sundae.
Birthday party scene- “You have to stop crying or I am going to have to send all your guests home right now!’ (Yes. Great idea. Call the 10 moms and dads and see if they can all be picked up NOW.)
Anyway, BE REALISTIC AND MAKE THE THREAT FIT THE BEHAVIOR. Otherwise, why should any child react to a threat that cannot become a fast reality. How are they going to learn? Why would they change their behavior when the threat cannot be carried through?
It is always better to have immediate consequences for a young child. The negative behavior should be followed up with a negative result not with a threat of what will happen when you get home. The immediate feedback is more important and gets faster results. Long term threats and punishments are more appropriate for older children.
If you are in an awkward location for a reprimand or discipline try your best to remove the child from the situation. Eliminate the “audience” which can alter their behavior. Go for a small walk, go outside, move to a corner or a quiet room. The one on one is much more effective. There is no one for the child to “play to” in terms of acting like the victim or finding sympathy from grandma or any other onlooker. The removal itself can feel like a punishment. Swift and immediate reaction will get results. Once away, then you can tell the child what behavior you disapproved of and what you expect instead. Once you believe they understand then you can quietly bring them back. It is an emotional time out and also allows the child to reset their momentum.
The most important way to let your child know that they are behaving in an acceptable way is to provide POSITIVE feedback. Negative feedback comes naturally to most of us. We react immediately to a bad behavior. It is reinforcing the positive behavior that takes more effort. I think it is the positive reinforcement that actually is most important. Don’t wait for a child to misbehave before providing feedback. Remember to say to your child, “I am so proud of how nicely you are sitting here being patient. Good for you!” Be sure to tell your child, “That was so nice of you to share that toy with your friend. That shows me what a good boy you are.” Try, “I heard you say thank you without even being told to say it. Wow! What a good girl you are!”
All this positive feedback is what makes a child feel good about themselves and makes them want to repeat a certain behavior. They are getting attention for being good. That is worth repeating as far as they are concerned.
All of this can be exhausting. There is no doubt that teaching a child right from wrong takes up energy. But that energy is well worthwhile. The pay off comes as you see your child learn to behave appropriately in different settings. Parenthood is tiring, but doing it well is priceless. So get out there and teach the rules of the game of life. Be a life’s coach.
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