What is the 5-5-5 Rule for Parenthood

In the course of a normal day every parent is met with decision after decision regarding how to handle their child’s requests, tantrums, meltdowns, nagging, and confrontations. This is just a normal occurrence in a day in the life of a parent. There can be a simple guideline to follow when you are ready to give in and let your 2 year old wear her cowboy boots to bed, or allow your 4 year old his “one last” cookie for the 5th time, or even bring your 8 year old another cup of water to bed. The same guidelines can apply to an older child, for example, the 14 year old who asks if they can go to a party because “everyone is going but me”, the 16 year old who wants to drive an extra person in the car “just this once” because the friend needs a ride, or the 18 year old who asks to come home after curfew but will call to let you know where he is.

How do you decide what is right? It is usually easy to take one of two roads.

One: Yell and explain what you expect from them. “You stop that right now and behave yourself. If you don’t stop I am not going to take you to the toy store this afternoon!” (Never ever make threats that you will not carry out… but that is another blog altogether.) They will essentially stop listening after the first 25 seconds anyway and either get more angry, cry or act out. (This yelling may be important for the bigger issues in life but not for the small battles.)

Two: Give in because it is so easy. Child is happy and you get peace and quiet. This is often a very bad choice.

Instead: Ask yourself the following question. What will be the result of this decision be in 5 minutes, 5 weeks, and in 5 years from now?

Why does this work? Let’s break it down.

The 2 year old wants to sleep with her new cowboy boots on. 5 minutes from now if you give in she will be in bed happy and probably either asleep or take off the boots herself because they hurt-- or 5 minutes from now, if you force her to remove them, you will have a sulky crying child who is very unhappy. 5 weeks from now, if you give in, she will probably be onto something new and completely different. 5 years from now, if you give in, it will make a funny and cute memory of how she slept in her cowboy boots. 5 years from now, you might hear about how she loved her boots so much and remembers how you wouldn’t let her sleep in them. Oh well.

The answer here is not extremely obvious but does show how the long term implications of giving in are not always dire. Also, being a stubborn parent to make your point is not always worthwhile.

A completely different case scenario follows: Your 4 year old is begging for another cookie after being told that he has had enough for today. The begging continues and may even turn into a complete tantrum.

5 minutes from now if you give in to the request the child has learned that he can break you down with begging and tantrums (you have given positive reinforcement to a negative behavior).

5 weeks from now this behavior will likely continue and may even spread to other areas of life (i.e. bedtime, sharing, using bad words). 5 years from now the child has learned to demand what he wants through whining, tantrums and poor behavior.

If you had allowed the 5-5-5 rule to stop you from giving in it might sound like this: In 5 weeks you have a child who might have learned that NO means NO. In 5 years you might have a child who understands limits and that begging and tantrums gets him nowhere.

A practical real life example from my own life: My daughter was always strong willed and very stubborn. She challenged me constantly and often tried to force me into following her rules even by the time she was 4. One morning while she was preparing for pre-school, she stood in the hallway and said, “Mommy, tie my shoes.” I said, “Sure. Just come on over here and I will do it for you.” She looked at me and stood upright saying, “No. You come here.” At that moment I knew I was setting up a situation that was going to have long term implications. My 5-5-5 kicked in. If I gave in at that point I was going to communicate that she could control me. I was the parent at HER service. Sure, in 5 minutes we would be out the door on our way to pre-school on time, but what about 5 weeks from now and 5 years from now. I could see my future power as a parent was on the line. I sat down and said, “Sweetie, I am right here and all you need to do is come here and I will tie your shoes.” “No, YOU COME HERE! “Sorry honey, but you will have to decide when you are going to come to me.” She collapsed onto the floor in a puddle and tantrum. Through her sobs I could hear her repeating her cry, “No, mommy come here.” “I am right here when you are ready.”

Now another parent might have gone over, picked up their child and wrestled and yelled at them until the shoes were tied. But I was thinking that that was just not who I was as a parent. I was patient and most of all I felt that there was a power struggle that represented more than met the eye.

This little hallway struggle continued for about 20 minutes until she crawled across the hall crying into my lap. We cuddled until I asked her if she was ready to have me tie her shoes. She was. After a little nose cleaning, eye wiping and shoe tying, and reassurances of love, we were off to pre-school... late, but off to pre-school.

Was the “fight” worth it? According to my 5-5-5 it sure was. 5 minutes later she was late to school because of the meltdown. She was hesitant to “boss” her mother around so readily over the next 5 weeks, and in 5 years, I had a 9 year old who understood rules, boundaries, and love. (Is it noteworthy to add that this is my child who is now in law school? Have I helped turn her stubborn argumentative behavior into a talent?)

The point is to pick your fight carefully and be sure you are making it worth the fight. When it comes to safety, there is no compromise. Other struggles need to be looked at from a broader point of view. But all in all, if you can breathe and think long enough to consider the 5-5-5 rule it will guide you to make a better decision.

One more word on this topic regarding older children. This 5-5-5 technique is extremely helpful with teens (not to mention spouses!).

Let’s look at a 15 year old who has a driver’s permit. She practices with a parent as well as with a driving teacher. The rules that are set up are clear. However, you are home with a bad cold and your teen has asked if it is OK for her to drive her friend home. The friend only lives 3 blocks away and you live in a quiet area. She would be careful and back within 10 minutes. Time for 5-5-5.

It would be so easy to just say “Go ahead but be very, very be careful. Come right home and pay attention!” Chances are that nothing will go wrong. But when you ask what will happen in 5 minutes, your teen will feel empowered that rules are there but flexible. In 5 weeks she may decide that driving a friend somewhere isn’t such a bad thing because her parent once gave her permission to do just that. In 5 years, she may have learned a behavior that experiments with bending the rules a little. A bit of texting while driving once in a while would be OK, right? Having a friend in the car when the law says there can be no one under 21 is no big deal? It is a frightening thought.

What is it you are teaching? The expression to pick your battles carefully makes more sense when you think of your conflicts in these terms. So, next time you wonder what the right choice might be just think:5-5-5 and see how it goes!