Holiday Season Reminder

Holidays are coming. It is an easy time to get so busy with details that you forget the purpose of the holidays.

Remember to include your children in the day to day preparations rather than shoo them away. What can they do to contribute? Be creative. Young children can draw pictures to go on gifts. They can add stickers on name places for the holiday table. Decorating their own wrapping paper can be an exciting activity as well. The ideas are endless no matter what the age or ability of the child. A busy child who feels that they are a part of the process is less likely to act out for negative attention.

Stay away from what the child WANTS for themselves as the center of the season. It is fun to make wish lists, but aside from that, look for ways for them to contribute something to the community. Perhaps the child can help look through old winter coats to choose ones that no longer fit so that they can be donated. Have them find books they have outgrown that can be given away to those less fortunate. It is a great time of year to have them look at their own piggy banks and take out a small amount to buy a needy child a gift to bring to a donation site. The child actually taking their own money, taking the trip to the toy store, making the choice, and dropping off the toy is an unforgettable experience.

In the kitchen, take the opportunity to include the child. Rather than use television or computers to keep them busy, choose a food that they can help you make for the holidays. Choose age appropriate foods. Simple break and bake cookies are perfect for the young child. Why not let your older one experiment a bit with a simple desert recipe with minimal supervision. Best of all, work together to create something in which you can share the pride.

Allow children to use their computer time to create holiday cards and decorations. And of course, the season is the perfect time to go the library or book store to choose family reading material.

There is nothing like cuddling up with your child on the couch or at bedtime to share a book. Something magical happens in every book! discuss it- and share it.

For the older child, use old family photos to draw you together. Another choice is to read the same book so you can have fun discussing your viewpoints.

No matter how you choose to go about it, don't forget that while rushing around trying to get your home, meals, shopping and family ready for the busy season, include your child on as many levels as you can.

When all is said and done the precious time spent together are the memories that will matter the most!

Bloody Tongue Syndrome

For years, I have been telling parents of 8th grade through High School students ( and beyond) that in order to truly communicate with your children you must develop what I call, "Bloody Tongue Syndrome."

What is that? Well, let's say your young pre-teen or teen comes to you with a shocking or tantalizing piece of information. Most likely, they are actually just testing you. They are baiting the parent. If you are like most parents your reaction to any piece of information passed to you by your child will immediately result in a lecture... the dreaded lecture

Truth is:

As soon as you begin the lecture two things happen.

1. Your child stops hearing you and

2. You just gave them a reason to step away from you and reinforced his or her reason for not turning to your for advice

What you should do:

Bite your tongue until it bleeds, then say something like, “Oh! That is interesting,” OR “Tell me more,” OR “What happened next?” OR “What are you going to do?” OR “How did that make you feel?” OR “That sounds horrible.” OR “You must be upset about that.” OR ANYTHING EXCEPT A LECTURE. Your child is asking you to listen. Give them a chance to talk.

Example:

Daughter comes home from 9th grade and walks in to the house with a casual attitude. As she passes by you she says, "Monica lost her virginity this weekend!

In your head you are screaming, "What? Are those the kind of people you hang out with? Is she crazy? Who is this boy? Doesn't your generation believe in waiting? When I was a Freshman no one was having sex... and on and on and on... "

What you really could say:

"Really?" End of comment.

Reaction:

Daughter backs up closer to parent and says, "Yeah, can you believe it? It's so stupid."

What you want to say:

“No kidding it’s stupid. Does she realize she is so young not to mention STD's and AIDs. My God! What kind of friends do you have. Is this what I can expect from you?”

What you really should say:

"You think it was stupid?"

Reaction:

Daughter continues to move closer and looking like she is going to sit next to parent.

She says: "Well, she hardly knows him. I just think it was just to get him to like her more which is a dumb thing to do. He probably doesn't really like her at all."

What you want to say:

“Of course he doesn't like her. She is acting like a slut. Let me tell you something... you can never go back blah blah blah....”

What you really should say:

“So now what?

Reaction:

Daughter sits down next to parent. (A wonderful but small miracle) "See, I think you really need to be in a relationship with a guy for a long time before you have sex. It should mean something. You know?"

Parent answers calmly:

“Yes. I know.”

Now, is a great time to exchange ideas or better yet, put it on a shelf and continue later when the teen is in their room at night with no TV, computer, phone or music to distract a continuation of the conversation. Start with a question and not a lecture.

In this case maybe, “I was thinking about your friend Monica. So, what do you think is going to happen now?”

You will find that a discussion of ideas at this point is possible because you did not shut the teen down with a long winded lecture.

One way to think about it is in an adult relationship. Let’s say your come home from a long, hard day at work and say to your life partner, “The boss really has it in for me: She railed into me for being late today.”

How would you feel if your partner said, “Well, you know, being late for work is a bad habit. I think she has a point. You need to be more responsible. How hard can it be for you to get up a little earlier and get out the door on time for once.”

Truth: You would go ballistic. How dare they tell you how to manage your life. Where is the support?

How about: “I am so sorry. You must be really upset. What did you do?”

Same goes for teens. They want a listener not a lecturer.

Make sense?

This applies very well for when the child has issues with teachers or other authority figures as well. Don’t take the side of the teacher without knowing facts. Allow the teen to tell you their story. Don’t start assuming it is the teen’s fault all the time. Sometimes it is actually not their fault. Sometimes they just had a bad day and need someone to feels badly for them…not give them a long talk and try to fix it.

Listen. That is the key. Listen with your eyes, ears and heart. Bite that tongue until it bleeds. Develop Bloody Tongue Syndrome and you will find out that you have a better relationship with your teen.

A last word on the subject. This BTS (Bloody Tongue Syndrome) is not easy to perfect. It takes practice and a lot of energy. But, trust me on this, it is well worth the effort.

Let me know how it goes for you.

The Beginning

There is a simple philosophy that I want to share with parents. As parents, we have the power to influence how our children come to view themselves. We have the power to plant positive ideas into their growing minds that help them view themselves as good, worthy, successful and kind human beings. It is a sort of positive" brainwashing" that starts when the child is very young and continues as they grow. It can start at their crib sides and move to their bedsides.

Our children are constantly receiving input from the world around them.The visual, auditory, tactile, and olfactory senses get bombarded all day long. This certainly helps the healthy child learn and expand. But as the child lies in their beds at night, so many of the senses begin to quiet down. The lights are low so the eyes are quieted, sounds are at a minimum as the family settles in for the night, the bed offers a soft environment enveloping the body in a womb like atmosphere and their pajamas are lose and comfortable, the smells and tastes buds are relaxed. Now is the time to feed the mind with the parent's voice. The child's mind is open to hearing that voice. It is time to quietly talk about the day, concerns, and questions. This is obviously adjusted to the age of the child.

The young child may enjoy a recap of the day. This is the time for the parent to highlight what the child has done WELL that day. "I was so proud of you when I saw you share your new toy with Johnny."

The older child may need to talk about a conflict from school. Listen carefully. Don't judge. Reflect back to the child how they may have felt at that moment. "It sounds like you were really upset with your teacher when that happened." Avoid, "Well, why did you throw the paper when you know you shouldn't do that?"

The more mature child may even need to discuss much more serious matters. Relationships, sexual matters, worries about the world. Always let the child know that they are not alone in their worry. Others feel the same way yet they are still unique! What a concept.

The best part of this bedside chat is that when it is time to say good night the child MUST be left with positive words. The I love you message never gets old. It should be repeated ever night when possible. Try, "No matter what you do in life, I will always love you." "You are a good person and I know you will always make me proud." "Even though today was a hard day and we had some arguments, I still want you to know that I love you and I think you are a wonderful person."

The whole idea is that as your child hears those words and you leave the room, they are left with a positive self image as they fall to sleep. The last words in their minds are about them being worthwhile and good. It stays in their minds. The "brainwashing" power sinks in and follows them into their dreams and hopefully, stays with them into the next day and week.

These are just some thoughts. How to deal with day to day problems is another issue. I have advice for many levels of childcare. My background as a mother, aunt, friend and advisor to many has tested me. Give me a try.

Thanks. Mommy J

Introduction

Welcome to my Blog! This is an experiment. Let's see how it goes.

I've always wanted to write a parenting book called "The Magic at Your Child's Bedside," but it hasn't quite panned out. Instead, I'm going to start a friendly, practical parenting advice blog. My hope is that people might write me questions and I can answer them here!

My concept is TLA -- Tender Loving Advice without any judgement! Just sent me a question through the comment feature and I'll do my best to answer. Let's give it a shot!