Bloody Tongue Syndrome

For years, I have been telling parents of 8th grade through High School students ( and beyond) that in order to truly communicate with your children you must develop what I call, "Bloody Tongue Syndrome."

What is that? Well, let's say your young pre-teen or teen comes to you with a shocking or tantalizing piece of information. Most likely, they are actually just testing you. They are baiting the parent. If you are like most parents your reaction to any piece of information passed to you by your child will immediately result in a lecture... the dreaded lecture

Truth is:

As soon as you begin the lecture two things happen.

1. Your child stops hearing you and

2. You just gave them a reason to step away from you and reinforced his or her reason for not turning to your for advice

What you should do:

Bite your tongue until it bleeds, then say something like, “Oh! That is interesting,” OR “Tell me more,” OR “What happened next?” OR “What are you going to do?” OR “How did that make you feel?” OR “That sounds horrible.” OR “You must be upset about that.” OR ANYTHING EXCEPT A LECTURE. Your child is asking you to listen. Give them a chance to talk.

Example:

Daughter comes home from 9th grade and walks in to the house with a casual attitude. As she passes by you she says, "Monica lost her virginity this weekend!

In your head you are screaming, "What? Are those the kind of people you hang out with? Is she crazy? Who is this boy? Doesn't your generation believe in waiting? When I was a Freshman no one was having sex... and on and on and on... "

What you really could say:

"Really?" End of comment.

Reaction:

Daughter backs up closer to parent and says, "Yeah, can you believe it? It's so stupid."

What you want to say:

“No kidding it’s stupid. Does she realize she is so young not to mention STD's and AIDs. My God! What kind of friends do you have. Is this what I can expect from you?”

What you really should say:

"You think it was stupid?"

Reaction:

Daughter continues to move closer and looking like she is going to sit next to parent.

She says: "Well, she hardly knows him. I just think it was just to get him to like her more which is a dumb thing to do. He probably doesn't really like her at all."

What you want to say:

“Of course he doesn't like her. She is acting like a slut. Let me tell you something... you can never go back blah blah blah....”

What you really should say:

“So now what?

Reaction:

Daughter sits down next to parent. (A wonderful but small miracle) "See, I think you really need to be in a relationship with a guy for a long time before you have sex. It should mean something. You know?"

Parent answers calmly:

“Yes. I know.”

Now, is a great time to exchange ideas or better yet, put it on a shelf and continue later when the teen is in their room at night with no TV, computer, phone or music to distract a continuation of the conversation. Start with a question and not a lecture.

In this case maybe, “I was thinking about your friend Monica. So, what do you think is going to happen now?”

You will find that a discussion of ideas at this point is possible because you did not shut the teen down with a long winded lecture.

One way to think about it is in an adult relationship. Let’s say your come home from a long, hard day at work and say to your life partner, “The boss really has it in for me: She railed into me for being late today.”

How would you feel if your partner said, “Well, you know, being late for work is a bad habit. I think she has a point. You need to be more responsible. How hard can it be for you to get up a little earlier and get out the door on time for once.”

Truth: You would go ballistic. How dare they tell you how to manage your life. Where is the support?

How about: “I am so sorry. You must be really upset. What did you do?”

Same goes for teens. They want a listener not a lecturer.

Make sense?

This applies very well for when the child has issues with teachers or other authority figures as well. Don’t take the side of the teacher without knowing facts. Allow the teen to tell you their story. Don’t start assuming it is the teen’s fault all the time. Sometimes it is actually not their fault. Sometimes they just had a bad day and need someone to feels badly for them…not give them a long talk and try to fix it.

Listen. That is the key. Listen with your eyes, ears and heart. Bite that tongue until it bleeds. Develop Bloody Tongue Syndrome and you will find out that you have a better relationship with your teen.

A last word on the subject. This BTS (Bloody Tongue Syndrome) is not easy to perfect. It takes practice and a lot of energy. But, trust me on this, it is well worth the effort.

Let me know how it goes for you.