Your relationship with your husband/wife/partner is unique. Whether you have known each other since childhood, fell in love in a short whirlwind romance or have a long complicated story, your partnership needs to be nurtured and cared for as you travel through life’s different phases.
New parenthood truly expands and tests the definition and limits of that binding relationship. The two of you have suddenly become three (or more!). The topic of conversation has shifted from work, in-laws, friends, movies, weekend plans and carefree vacations to new smiles, the adventures of rolling over and sitting up, the number and quantity of a feeding, diaper duty, sleep deprivation, laundry and the shocking joys of a brand new life!
The thrill of parenthood cannot be compared with any other experience. It is the hardest and best work you will ever do. The joys are never ending and so are the dilemmas.
It is easy to lose your original relationship in the shuffle. What brought you two together suddenly disappears in the maze of daily responsibilities and unending surprises.
How can you still keep the relationship alive when you are distracted by kids, work, etc.? You need to find a way to maintain the magic of your own relationship. A happy couple makes happy parents!
Sounds easier than it is! Let’s start with the most simple way to get this going. DATE NIGHT.
Make a commitment that no matter what happens during your week, the two of you will make a conscious effort to spend one evening on a “date.” Now, this does not have to be a dinner and movie sort of date. For most new parents finding baby sitters and disposable income can be a challenge. Date night is:
1. A small to large amount of time set aside to be together
2. Time together away from your baby/child
3. Time spent away from the house/apartment
4. Cancellations are only due to illness on the part of a child (fever, vomiting) or parent (fever, vomiting)
This can be a simple stroll through the local mall, a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop, a hike in a local park, or it can be more elaborate. Try dinner out, take in a movie then dessert where you can talk afterwards, or get together with friends for some fun.
Yes! The cell phone is welcome to come along. It is fine to know that the person charged with the care of your most precious life can find you with any question or concerns. Just try not to run home if you hear that the baby sneezed or cried. The baby will be just fine.
True stories:
I learned my lesson with my first born. I never went out or left her with a sitter for almost two years. I was a wreck! I trusted no one! Sensing this, my child thought she could not breathe unless I was in view. Looking back, I know I created this situation myself.
By the time number two came along I had learned a lot. When I was due to give birth we were out on a Saturday night date at a local restaurant. The waiter noticed how large I was and asked when I was due. I joked that I was giving birth that night. Well, I DID go into labor that night and gave birth to daughter number two on Sunday!
Being the experienced smart mom that I was, I was back at that same restaurant for date night the next Saturday night. I, of course, reminded our astonished waiter about the pregnancy the week before. He was amazed. So was I!
We started going out on that night and continued that until the kids were grown and moved out!
What a difference it made to our children and to our marriage. It gave my children a sense that, as important as they were to us, their parents also were committed to each other. It became a wonderful routine that just turned into a normal routine that kept us all healthfully bound to each other.
Priceless time with Parent #2
If you follow the recommendations of date night as described above and find that it adds to your life - this idea will truly add another level of joy to your life.
There is always one parent who is the primary caregiver. Even if you both work, one parent tends to be the parental decision maker. The one who primarily does the bathing, dressing, feeding, diapering and parental related decisions is considered the primary caregiver. This individual tends to know their baby a bit better than the other. This is not a criticism, just a result of time spent.
This is when I feel it is important for the secondary caretaker to take on a new and exciting task. If this has not already occurred naturally the following is highly recommended:
Take your child out alone one morning a week. Go on errands, the park, a child friendly restaurant, the zoo, a walk, the beach, or any where you can spend time one on one with your child. The experience will serve a multitude of purposes.
1. You will learn the nuances of your baby/child and feel more confident being alone as the parent
2. You will feel a kind of pride you can only experience on a one to one basis
3. There will be a new closeness between you and your child that cannot be accomplished at home
4. The joy of experiencing and developing your own special stories about your child is priceless
5. A new tradition will be developed that will grow with the child
True story.
My husband worked all week and sometimes did not even make it home to have dinner with us as a family. He was often tired and did not have the joy of bath time, bedtime, or story time on a regular basis.
The children adored him but I always needed to tell him about the new things the baby was learning to do and the funny adventures we were having each day.
He started taking the children out to breakfast as soon as they could put “Cheerios” into their own mouths and sit up in a high chair.
This became my time to sleep late, start exercising, make special phone calls or take a long bath! It was perfect.
The started each Saturday with a trip to IHOP. It was very cute to see them going off each Saturday with a smile on their faces knowing that they were off to spend time with their Daddy. Even when they were not yet walking, they looked so proud when he held then up on his hip and waved good-bye to me as they left on their little adventures.
These Saturday morning excursions continued through the years. It became a “sacred” tradition that only got postponed by illness or a rare scheduled event. All in all it was a given that this was Daddy Time.
They would come home all tired and smiling. The experience of the outings nurtured a closeness that nothing else could have created.
I think the joy of my husband telling me what funny and adorable things the children did was enough to convince me that this was a healthy and necessary experience for all of us.
Of course IHOP expanded into the park, sometimes my husband invited other dad’s and their kids to join them, they listened to music in the car and sang along, they were able to surprise me with small shopping excursions for birthdays or Mother’s Day, they relished trips to the bookstore and library, they grew these outings into a tradition that continued far beyond those first experiences with Cheerios.
Even later, when soccer games, homework, or religious school got in the way, my husband found a way to continue the tradition—leaving half an hour early to grab a bagel before the soccer game, or by taking a trip to the bookstore on a Saturday afternoon. Efforts were made to continue the special time together.
My children are grown. But when you mention Saturday mornings to them - you should see their eyes light up with the memories that they created with their Daddy. Priceless? You bet!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Following through with Threats
Threats, Consistency and Follow-through with Young Children
Understanding discipline helps us to be better at teaching our children.
Imagine you arrive at a game where no one has explained any of the rules to you. You are expected to play this game. All you know is you have a team but no one seems to truly speak your language. You only understand some basic terms. How are you going to join in? Well, you are going to test out the rules until someone shows you what you can and cannot do. These are the boundaries…this is where you need to go…these are the people you are allowed to interact with…if you step over there you get yelled at…if you knock someone over you get a response…are you allowed to pull someone’s hair? You observe those around you and mimic what you see then watch to see if you get a positive or negative reaction. You learn all the rules by pushing your limits until you are pulled back into the game to follow the rules properly.
Just like this game, our children arrive into our world and do not know the rules of life. They observe and test out the limits everyday. Am I allowed to push? Is ok to kiss my mother? Do I get a good reaction when I cooperate with my siblings? When are they laughing at what I do? When are they angry with me? If I try to step into the street without holding someone’s hand what happens? If I pull the dog’s tail is that good? What are all these rules? Are they the same rules everyday? There is so much to figure out. It is a constant hunt for the limits.
Now we can see that our children are destined to misbehave. It is actually an important part of their development! In doing so they are asking for a guideline for their behavior. By pushing the limits and receiving feedback they learn what is appropriate and inappropriate. This is true throughout their early years on into their young adult years. It is up to us to make the rules clear and consistent. So here are some RULES for making the RULES!
The first important thing is to be consistent. Imagine if you were playing that same game and tackling your opponent appeared to be allowed sometimes but you never could figure out when it was or wasn’t allowed. Sometimes you tackle and your team cheers and other times you tackle and your team puts you on a time out. You would feel very insecure in your new game. The same for a child. You cannot allow a child to get away with something one day with one parent and then punish them the next day for the same behavior from another parent. The signal received is confusing and can make life rather scary. The rules need to be clear so that things make sense.
Work hard with your parenting partner to agree on behavior guidelines. Discuss these in private and come to a general agreement before dealing with the child. This is your general game plan. Granted, this takes a lot of cooperation, give and take and team work. But the outcome will pay off. Every parent has his and her theories, but it is important for any team to at least agree on the basics, and allow those agreements to be up for re-evaluation from time to time.
Please do not make threats UNLESS you mean to carry through. Some threats are just unrealistic and are said out of frustration. These are usually ridiculous and cannot be carried through to reality. If you have a young child misbehaving in a restaurant do not be tempted to threaten them with “We are never taking you out to dinner again!” You may feel that way but that is by no means meaningful, realistic or a solution to the behavior. Are you really NEVER going to take them out again?
More realistic may be, “Do not get out of your chair again or I will have to take you outside.” Then if that happens, get up, and escort the child outside the restaurant. No discussion, no bargaining. It is not always the punishment that a young child they fears. It is knowing that you are going to carry through on your word without hesitation that concerns them. They will learn this quickly. Once outside you may just need to say that they can return to the dinner when they are ready to stay seated.
I have heard the most unrealistic threats made by parents to a child. They almost can make me laugh if I believed that in the end the child was learning something. But instead it is a sad thing to listen to.
Haven’t you ever heard friends, relatives, strangers or perhaps you or your partner saying, any of the following?
Airport scene- “Stop it right now or we are not going on this vacation!” (Right, you are going to leave the airport and go home and let your luggage continue on its way to Hawaii?)
Restaurant scene- “Don’t run around the restaurant or we are not ordering desert.” Then 10 minutes later you notice that child being called back from hiding underneath a table 2 tables away for their ice cream sundae.
Birthday party scene- “You have to stop crying or I am going to have to send all your guests home right now!’ (Yes. Great idea. Call the 10 moms and dads and see if they can all be picked up NOW.)
Anyway, BE REALISTIC AND MAKE THE THREAT FIT THE BEHAVIOR. Otherwise, why should any child react to a threat that cannot become a fast reality. How are they going to learn? Why would they change their behavior when the threat cannot be carried through?
It is always better to have immediate consequences for a young child. The negative behavior should be followed up with a negative result not with a threat of what will happen when you get home. The immediate feedback is more important and gets faster results. Long term threats and punishments are more appropriate for older children.
If you are in an awkward location for a reprimand or discipline try your best to remove the child from the situation. Eliminate the “audience” which can alter their behavior. Go for a small walk, go outside, move to a corner or a quiet room. The one on one is much more effective. There is no one for the child to “play to” in terms of acting like the victim or finding sympathy from grandma or any other onlooker. The removal itself can feel like a punishment. Swift and immediate reaction will get results. Once away, then you can tell the child what behavior you disapproved of and what you expect instead. Once you believe they understand then you can quietly bring them back. It is an emotional time out and also allows the child to reset their momentum.
The most important way to let your child know that they are behaving in an acceptable way is to provide POSITIVE feedback. Negative feedback comes naturally to most of us. We react immediately to a bad behavior. It is reinforcing the positive behavior that takes more effort. I think it is the positive reinforcement that actually is most important. Don’t wait for a child to misbehave before providing feedback. Remember to say to your child, “I am so proud of how nicely you are sitting here being patient. Good for you!” Be sure to tell your child, “That was so nice of you to share that toy with your friend. That shows me what a good boy you are.” Try, “I heard you say thank you without even being told to say it. Wow! What a good girl you are!”
All this positive feedback is what makes a child feel good about themselves and makes them want to repeat a certain behavior. They are getting attention for being good. That is worth repeating as far as they are concerned.
All of this can be exhausting. There is no doubt that teaching a child right from wrong takes up energy. But that energy is well worthwhile. The pay off comes as you see your child learn to behave appropriately in different settings. Parenthood is tiring, but doing it well is priceless. So get out there and teach the rules of the game of life. Be a life’s coach.
Understanding discipline helps us to be better at teaching our children.
Imagine you arrive at a game where no one has explained any of the rules to you. You are expected to play this game. All you know is you have a team but no one seems to truly speak your language. You only understand some basic terms. How are you going to join in? Well, you are going to test out the rules until someone shows you what you can and cannot do. These are the boundaries…this is where you need to go…these are the people you are allowed to interact with…if you step over there you get yelled at…if you knock someone over you get a response…are you allowed to pull someone’s hair? You observe those around you and mimic what you see then watch to see if you get a positive or negative reaction. You learn all the rules by pushing your limits until you are pulled back into the game to follow the rules properly.
Just like this game, our children arrive into our world and do not know the rules of life. They observe and test out the limits everyday. Am I allowed to push? Is ok to kiss my mother? Do I get a good reaction when I cooperate with my siblings? When are they laughing at what I do? When are they angry with me? If I try to step into the street without holding someone’s hand what happens? If I pull the dog’s tail is that good? What are all these rules? Are they the same rules everyday? There is so much to figure out. It is a constant hunt for the limits.
Now we can see that our children are destined to misbehave. It is actually an important part of their development! In doing so they are asking for a guideline for their behavior. By pushing the limits and receiving feedback they learn what is appropriate and inappropriate. This is true throughout their early years on into their young adult years. It is up to us to make the rules clear and consistent. So here are some RULES for making the RULES!
The first important thing is to be consistent. Imagine if you were playing that same game and tackling your opponent appeared to be allowed sometimes but you never could figure out when it was or wasn’t allowed. Sometimes you tackle and your team cheers and other times you tackle and your team puts you on a time out. You would feel very insecure in your new game. The same for a child. You cannot allow a child to get away with something one day with one parent and then punish them the next day for the same behavior from another parent. The signal received is confusing and can make life rather scary. The rules need to be clear so that things make sense.
Work hard with your parenting partner to agree on behavior guidelines. Discuss these in private and come to a general agreement before dealing with the child. This is your general game plan. Granted, this takes a lot of cooperation, give and take and team work. But the outcome will pay off. Every parent has his and her theories, but it is important for any team to at least agree on the basics, and allow those agreements to be up for re-evaluation from time to time.
Please do not make threats UNLESS you mean to carry through. Some threats are just unrealistic and are said out of frustration. These are usually ridiculous and cannot be carried through to reality. If you have a young child misbehaving in a restaurant do not be tempted to threaten them with “We are never taking you out to dinner again!” You may feel that way but that is by no means meaningful, realistic or a solution to the behavior. Are you really NEVER going to take them out again?
More realistic may be, “Do not get out of your chair again or I will have to take you outside.” Then if that happens, get up, and escort the child outside the restaurant. No discussion, no bargaining. It is not always the punishment that a young child they fears. It is knowing that you are going to carry through on your word without hesitation that concerns them. They will learn this quickly. Once outside you may just need to say that they can return to the dinner when they are ready to stay seated.
I have heard the most unrealistic threats made by parents to a child. They almost can make me laugh if I believed that in the end the child was learning something. But instead it is a sad thing to listen to.
Haven’t you ever heard friends, relatives, strangers or perhaps you or your partner saying, any of the following?
Airport scene- “Stop it right now or we are not going on this vacation!” (Right, you are going to leave the airport and go home and let your luggage continue on its way to Hawaii?)
Restaurant scene- “Don’t run around the restaurant or we are not ordering desert.” Then 10 minutes later you notice that child being called back from hiding underneath a table 2 tables away for their ice cream sundae.
Birthday party scene- “You have to stop crying or I am going to have to send all your guests home right now!’ (Yes. Great idea. Call the 10 moms and dads and see if they can all be picked up NOW.)
Anyway, BE REALISTIC AND MAKE THE THREAT FIT THE BEHAVIOR. Otherwise, why should any child react to a threat that cannot become a fast reality. How are they going to learn? Why would they change their behavior when the threat cannot be carried through?
It is always better to have immediate consequences for a young child. The negative behavior should be followed up with a negative result not with a threat of what will happen when you get home. The immediate feedback is more important and gets faster results. Long term threats and punishments are more appropriate for older children.
If you are in an awkward location for a reprimand or discipline try your best to remove the child from the situation. Eliminate the “audience” which can alter their behavior. Go for a small walk, go outside, move to a corner or a quiet room. The one on one is much more effective. There is no one for the child to “play to” in terms of acting like the victim or finding sympathy from grandma or any other onlooker. The removal itself can feel like a punishment. Swift and immediate reaction will get results. Once away, then you can tell the child what behavior you disapproved of and what you expect instead. Once you believe they understand then you can quietly bring them back. It is an emotional time out and also allows the child to reset their momentum.
The most important way to let your child know that they are behaving in an acceptable way is to provide POSITIVE feedback. Negative feedback comes naturally to most of us. We react immediately to a bad behavior. It is reinforcing the positive behavior that takes more effort. I think it is the positive reinforcement that actually is most important. Don’t wait for a child to misbehave before providing feedback. Remember to say to your child, “I am so proud of how nicely you are sitting here being patient. Good for you!” Be sure to tell your child, “That was so nice of you to share that toy with your friend. That shows me what a good boy you are.” Try, “I heard you say thank you without even being told to say it. Wow! What a good girl you are!”
All this positive feedback is what makes a child feel good about themselves and makes them want to repeat a certain behavior. They are getting attention for being good. That is worth repeating as far as they are concerned.
All of this can be exhausting. There is no doubt that teaching a child right from wrong takes up energy. But that energy is well worthwhile. The pay off comes as you see your child learn to behave appropriately in different settings. Parenthood is tiring, but doing it well is priceless. So get out there and teach the rules of the game of life. Be a life’s coach.
Friday, May 28, 2010
What is the 5-5-5 Rule for Parenthood
In the course of a normal day every parent is met with decision after decision regarding how to handle their child’s requests, tantrums, meltdowns, nagging, and confrontations. This is just a normal occurrence in a day in the life of a parent. There can be a simple guideline to follow when you are ready to give in and let your 2 year old wear her cowboy boots to bed, or allow your 4 year old his “one last” cookie for the 5th time, or even bring your 8 year old another cup of water to bed. The same guidelines can apply to an older child, for example, the 14 year old who asks if they can go to a party because “everyone is going but me”, the 16 year old who wants to drive an extra person in the car “just this once” because the friend needs a ride, or the 18 year old who asks to come home after curfew but will call to let you know where he is.
How do you decide what is right? It is usually easy to take one of two roads.
One: Yell and explain what you expect from them. “You stop that right now and behave yourself. If you don’t stop I am not going to take you to the toy store this afternoon!” (Never ever make threats that you will not carry out… but that is another blog altogether.) They will essentially stop listening after the first 25 seconds anyway and either get more angry, cry or act out. (This yelling may be important for the bigger issues in life but not for the small battles.)
Two: Give in because it is so easy. Child is happy and you get peace and quiet. This is often a very bad choice.
Instead: Ask yourself the following question. What will be the result of this decision be in 5 minutes, 5 weeks, and in 5 years from now?
Why does this work? Let’s break it down.
The 2 year old wants to sleep with her new cowboy boots on. 5 minutes from now if you give in she will be in bed happy and probably either asleep or take off the boots herself because they hurt-- or 5 minutes from now, if you force her to remove them, you will have a sulky crying child who is very unhappy. 5 weeks from now, if you give in, she will probably be onto something new and completely different. 5 years from now, if you give in, it will make a funny and cute memory of how she slept in her cowboy boots. 5 years from now, you might hear about how she loved her boots so much and remembers how you wouldn’t let her sleep in them. Oh well.
The answer here is not extremely obvious but does show how the long term implications of giving in are not always dire. Also, being a stubborn parent to make your point is not always worthwhile.
A completely different case scenario follows: Your 4 year old is begging for another cookie after being told that he has had enough for today. The begging continues and may even turn into a complete tantrum.
5 minutes from now if you give in to the request the child has learned that he can break you down with begging and tantrums (you have given positive reinforcement to a negative behavior).
5 weeks from now this behavior will likely continue and may even spread to other areas of life (i.e. bedtime, sharing, using bad words). 5 years from now the child has learned to demand what he wants through whining, tantrums and poor behavior.
If you had allowed the 5-5-5 rule to stop you from giving in it might sound like this: In 5 weeks you have a child who might have learned that NO means NO. In 5 years you might have a child who understands limits and that begging and tantrums gets him nowhere.
A practical real life example from my own life: My daughter was always strong willed and very stubborn. She challenged me constantly and often tried to force me into following her rules even by the time she was 4. One morning while she was preparing for pre-school, she stood in the hallway and said, “Mommy, tie my shoes.” I said, “Sure. Just come on over here and I will do it for you.” She looked at me and stood upright saying, “No. You come here.” At that moment I knew I was setting up a situation that was going to have long term implications. My 5-5-5 kicked in. If I gave in at that point I was going to communicate that she could control me. I was the parent at HER service. Sure, in 5 minutes we would be out the door on our way to pre-school on time, but what about 5 weeks from now and 5 years from now. I could see my future power as a parent was on the line. I sat down and said, “Sweetie, I am right here and all you need to do is come here and I will tie your shoes.” “No, YOU COME HERE! “Sorry honey, but you will have to decide when you are going to come to me.” She collapsed onto the floor in a puddle and tantrum. Through her sobs I could hear her repeating her cry, “No, mommy come here.” “I am right here when you are ready.”
Now another parent might have gone over, picked up their child and wrestled and yelled at them until the shoes were tied. But I was thinking that that was just not who I was as a parent. I was patient and most of all I felt that there was a power struggle that represented more than met the eye.
This little hallway struggle continued for about 20 minutes until she crawled across the hall crying into my lap. We cuddled until I asked her if she was ready to have me tie her shoes. She was. After a little nose cleaning, eye wiping and shoe tying, and reassurances of love, we were off to pre-school... late, but off to pre-school.
Was the “fight” worth it? According to my 5-5-5 it sure was. 5 minutes later she was late to school because of the meltdown. She was hesitant to “boss” her mother around so readily over the next 5 weeks, and in 5 years, I had a 9 year old who understood rules, boundaries, and love. (Is it noteworthy to add that this is my child who is now in law school? Have I helped turn her stubborn argumentative behavior into a talent?)
The point is to pick your fight carefully and be sure you are making it worth the fight. When it comes to safety, there is no compromise. Other struggles need to be looked at from a broader point of view. But all in all, if you can breathe and think long enough to consider the 5-5-5 rule it will guide you to make a better decision.
One more word on this topic regarding older children. This 5-5-5 technique is extremely helpful with teens (not to mention spouses!).
Let’s look at a 15 year old who has a driver’s permit. She practices with a parent as well as with a driving teacher. The rules that are set up are clear. However, you are home with a bad cold and your teen has asked if it is OK for her to drive her friend home. The friend only lives 3 blocks away and you live in a quiet area. She would be careful and back within 10 minutes. Time for 5-5-5.
It would be so easy to just say “Go ahead but be very, very be careful. Come right home and pay attention!” Chances are that nothing will go wrong. But when you ask what will happen in 5 minutes, your teen will feel empowered that rules are there but flexible. In 5 weeks she may decide that driving a friend somewhere isn’t such a bad thing because her parent once gave her permission to do just that. In 5 years, she may have learned a behavior that experiments with bending the rules a little. A bit of texting while driving once in a while would be OK, right? Having a friend in the car when the law says there can be no one under 21 is no big deal? It is a frightening thought.
What is it you are teaching? The expression to pick your battles carefully makes more sense when you think of your conflicts in these terms. So, next time you wonder what the right choice might be just think:5-5-5 and see how it goes!
How do you decide what is right? It is usually easy to take one of two roads.
One: Yell and explain what you expect from them. “You stop that right now and behave yourself. If you don’t stop I am not going to take you to the toy store this afternoon!” (Never ever make threats that you will not carry out… but that is another blog altogether.) They will essentially stop listening after the first 25 seconds anyway and either get more angry, cry or act out. (This yelling may be important for the bigger issues in life but not for the small battles.)
Two: Give in because it is so easy. Child is happy and you get peace and quiet. This is often a very bad choice.
Instead: Ask yourself the following question. What will be the result of this decision be in 5 minutes, 5 weeks, and in 5 years from now?
Why does this work? Let’s break it down.
The 2 year old wants to sleep with her new cowboy boots on. 5 minutes from now if you give in she will be in bed happy and probably either asleep or take off the boots herself because they hurt-- or 5 minutes from now, if you force her to remove them, you will have a sulky crying child who is very unhappy. 5 weeks from now, if you give in, she will probably be onto something new and completely different. 5 years from now, if you give in, it will make a funny and cute memory of how she slept in her cowboy boots. 5 years from now, you might hear about how she loved her boots so much and remembers how you wouldn’t let her sleep in them. Oh well.
The answer here is not extremely obvious but does show how the long term implications of giving in are not always dire. Also, being a stubborn parent to make your point is not always worthwhile.
A completely different case scenario follows: Your 4 year old is begging for another cookie after being told that he has had enough for today. The begging continues and may even turn into a complete tantrum.
5 minutes from now if you give in to the request the child has learned that he can break you down with begging and tantrums (you have given positive reinforcement to a negative behavior).
5 weeks from now this behavior will likely continue and may even spread to other areas of life (i.e. bedtime, sharing, using bad words). 5 years from now the child has learned to demand what he wants through whining, tantrums and poor behavior.
If you had allowed the 5-5-5 rule to stop you from giving in it might sound like this: In 5 weeks you have a child who might have learned that NO means NO. In 5 years you might have a child who understands limits and that begging and tantrums gets him nowhere.
A practical real life example from my own life: My daughter was always strong willed and very stubborn. She challenged me constantly and often tried to force me into following her rules even by the time she was 4. One morning while she was preparing for pre-school, she stood in the hallway and said, “Mommy, tie my shoes.” I said, “Sure. Just come on over here and I will do it for you.” She looked at me and stood upright saying, “No. You come here.” At that moment I knew I was setting up a situation that was going to have long term implications. My 5-5-5 kicked in. If I gave in at that point I was going to communicate that she could control me. I was the parent at HER service. Sure, in 5 minutes we would be out the door on our way to pre-school on time, but what about 5 weeks from now and 5 years from now. I could see my future power as a parent was on the line. I sat down and said, “Sweetie, I am right here and all you need to do is come here and I will tie your shoes.” “No, YOU COME HERE! “Sorry honey, but you will have to decide when you are going to come to me.” She collapsed onto the floor in a puddle and tantrum. Through her sobs I could hear her repeating her cry, “No, mommy come here.” “I am right here when you are ready.”
Now another parent might have gone over, picked up their child and wrestled and yelled at them until the shoes were tied. But I was thinking that that was just not who I was as a parent. I was patient and most of all I felt that there was a power struggle that represented more than met the eye.
This little hallway struggle continued for about 20 minutes until she crawled across the hall crying into my lap. We cuddled until I asked her if she was ready to have me tie her shoes. She was. After a little nose cleaning, eye wiping and shoe tying, and reassurances of love, we were off to pre-school... late, but off to pre-school.
Was the “fight” worth it? According to my 5-5-5 it sure was. 5 minutes later she was late to school because of the meltdown. She was hesitant to “boss” her mother around so readily over the next 5 weeks, and in 5 years, I had a 9 year old who understood rules, boundaries, and love. (Is it noteworthy to add that this is my child who is now in law school? Have I helped turn her stubborn argumentative behavior into a talent?)
The point is to pick your fight carefully and be sure you are making it worth the fight. When it comes to safety, there is no compromise. Other struggles need to be looked at from a broader point of view. But all in all, if you can breathe and think long enough to consider the 5-5-5 rule it will guide you to make a better decision.
One more word on this topic regarding older children. This 5-5-5 technique is extremely helpful with teens (not to mention spouses!).
Let’s look at a 15 year old who has a driver’s permit. She practices with a parent as well as with a driving teacher. The rules that are set up are clear. However, you are home with a bad cold and your teen has asked if it is OK for her to drive her friend home. The friend only lives 3 blocks away and you live in a quiet area. She would be careful and back within 10 minutes. Time for 5-5-5.
It would be so easy to just say “Go ahead but be very, very be careful. Come right home and pay attention!” Chances are that nothing will go wrong. But when you ask what will happen in 5 minutes, your teen will feel empowered that rules are there but flexible. In 5 weeks she may decide that driving a friend somewhere isn’t such a bad thing because her parent once gave her permission to do just that. In 5 years, she may have learned a behavior that experiments with bending the rules a little. A bit of texting while driving once in a while would be OK, right? Having a friend in the car when the law says there can be no one under 21 is no big deal? It is a frightening thought.
What is it you are teaching? The expression to pick your battles carefully makes more sense when you think of your conflicts in these terms. So, next time you wonder what the right choice might be just think:5-5-5 and see how it goes!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Holiday Season Reminder
Holidays are coming. It is an easy time to get so busy with details that you forget the purpose of the holidays.
Remember to include your children in the day to day preparations rather than shoo them away. What can they do to contribute? Be creative. Young children can draw pictures to go on gifts. They can add stickers on name places for the holiday table. Decorating their own wrapping paper can be an exciting activity as well. The ideas are endless no matter what the age or ability of the child. A busy child who feels that they are a part of the process is less likely to act out for negative attention.
Stay away from what the child WANTS for themselves as the center of the season. It is fun to make wish lists, but aside from that, look for ways for them to contribute something to the community. Perhaps the child can help look through old winter coats to choose ones that no longer fit so that they can be donated. Have them find books they have outgrown that can be given away to those less fortunate. It is a great time of year to have them look at their own piggy banks and take out a small amount to buy a needy child a gift to bring to a donation site. The child actually taking their own money, taking the trip to the toy store, making the choice, and dropping off the toy is an unforgettable experience.
In the kitchen, take the opportunity to include the child. Rather than use television or computers to keep them busy, choose a food that they can help you make for the holidays. Choose age appropriate foods. Simple break and bake cookies are perfect for the young child. Why not let your older one experiment a bit with a simple desert recipe with minimal supervision. Best of all, work together to create something in which you can share the pride.
Allow children to use their computer time to create holiday cards and decorations. And of course, the season is the perfect time to go the library or book store to choose family reading material.
There is nothing like cuddling up with your child on the couch or at bedtime to share a book. Something magical happens in every book! discuss it- and share it.
For the older child, use old family photos to draw you together. Another choice is to read the same book so you can have fun discussing your viewpoints.
No matter how you choose to go about it, don't forget that while rushing around trying to get your home, meals, shopping and family ready for the busy season, include your child on as many levels as you can.
When all is said and done the precious time spent together are the memories that will matter the most!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Bloody Tongue Syndrome
For years, I have been telling parents of 8th grade through High School students ( and beyond) that in order to truly communicate with your children you must develop what I call, "Bloody Tongue Syndrome."
What is that? Well, let's say your young pre-teen or teen comes to you with a shocking or tantalizing piece of information. Most likely, they are actually just testing you. They are baiting the parent. If you are like most parents your reaction to any piece of information passed to you by your child will immediately result in a lecture... the dreaded lecture
Truth is:
As soon as you begin the lecture two things happen.
1. Your child stops hearing you and
2. You just gave them a reason to step away from you and reinforced his or her reason for not turning to your for advice
What you should do:
Bite your tongue until it bleeds, then say something like, “Oh! That is interesting,” OR “Tell me more,” OR “What happened next?” OR “What are you going to do?” OR “How did that make you feel?” OR “That sounds horrible.” OR “You must be upset about that.” OR ANYTHING EXCEPT A LECTURE. Your child is asking you to listen. Give them a chance to talk.
Example:
Daughter comes home from 9th grade and walks in to the house with a casual attitude. As she passes by you she says, "Monica lost her virginity this weekend!
In your head you are screaming, "What? Are those the kind of people you hang out with? Is she crazy? Who is this boy? Doesn't your generation believe in waiting? When I was a Freshman no one was having sex... and on and on and on... "
What you really could say:
"Really?" End of comment.
Reaction:
Daughter backs up closer to parent and says, "Yeah, can you believe it? It's so stupid."
What you want to say:
“No kidding it’s stupid. Does she realize she is so young not to mention STD's and AIDs. My God! What kind of friends do you have. Is this what I can expect from you?”
What you really should say:
"You think it was stupid?"
Reaction:
Daughter continues to move closer and looking like she is going to sit next to parent.
She says: "Well, she hardly knows him. I just think it was just to get him to like her more which is a dumb thing to do. He probably doesn't really like her at all."
What you want to say:
“Of course he doesn't like her. She is acting like a slut. Let me tell you something... you can never go back blah blah blah....”
What you really should say:
“So now what?
Reaction:
Daughter sits down next to parent. (A wonderful but small miracle) "See, I think you really need to be in a relationship with a guy for a long time before you have sex. It should mean something. You know?"
Parent answers calmly:
“Yes. I know.”
Now, is a great time to exchange ideas or better yet, put it on a shelf and continue later when the teen is in their room at night with no TV, computer, phone or music to distract a continuation of the conversation. Start with a question and not a lecture.
In this case maybe, “I was thinking about your friend Monica. So, what do you think is going to happen now?”
You will find that a discussion of ideas at this point is possible because you did not shut the teen down with a long winded lecture.
One way to think about it is in an adult relationship. Let’s say your come home from a long, hard day at work and say to your life partner, “The boss really has it in for me: She railed into me for being late today.”
How would you feel if your partner said, “Well, you know, being late for work is a bad habit. I think she has a point. You need to be more responsible. How hard can it be for you to get up a little earlier and get out the door on time for once.”
Truth: You would go ballistic. How dare they tell you how to manage your life. Where is the support?
How about: “I am so sorry. You must be really upset. What did you do?”
Same goes for teens. They want a listener not a lecturer.
Make sense?
This applies very well for when the child has issues with teachers or other authority figures as well. Don’t take the side of the teacher without knowing facts. Allow the teen to tell you their story. Don’t start assuming it is the teen’s fault all the time. Sometimes it is actually not their fault. Sometimes they just had a bad day and need someone to feels badly for them…not give them a long talk and try to fix it.
Listen. That is the key. Listen with your eyes, ears and heart. Bite that tongue until it bleeds. Develop Bloody Tongue Syndrome and you will find out that you have a better relationship with your teen.
A last word on the subject. This BTS (Bloody Tongue Syndrome) is not easy to perfect. It takes practice and a lot of energy. But, trust me on this, it is well worth the effort.
Let me know how it goes for you.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Beginning
There is a simple philosophy that I want to share with parents. As parents, we have the power to influence how our children come to view themselves. We have the power to plant positive ideas into their growing minds that help them view themselves as good, worthy, successful and kind human beings. It is a sort of positive" brainwashing" that starts when the child is very young and continues as they grow. It can start at their crib sides and move to their bedsides.
Our children are constantly receiving input from the world around them.The visual, auditory, tactile, and olfactory senses get bombarded all day long. This certainly helps the healthy child learn and expand. But as the child lies in their beds at night, so many of the senses begin to quiet down. The lights are low so the eyes are quieted, sounds are at a minimum as the family settles in for the night, the bed offers a soft environment enveloping the body in a womb like atmosphere and their pajamas are lose and comfortable, the smells and tastes buds are relaxed. Now is the time to feed the mind with the parent's voice. The child's mind is open to hearing that voice. It is time to quietly talk about the day, concerns, and questions. This is obviously adjusted to the age of the child.
The young child may enjoy a recap of the day. This is the time for the parent to highlight what the child has done WELL that day. "I was so proud of you when I saw you share your new toy with Johnny."
The older child may need to talk about a conflict from school. Listen carefully. Don't judge. Reflect back to the child how they may have felt at that moment. "It sounds like you were really upset with your teacher when that happened." Avoid, "Well, why did you throw the paper when you know you shouldn't do that?"
The more mature child may even need to discuss much more serious matters. Relationships, sexual matters, worries about the world. Always let the child know that they are not alone in their worry. Others feel the same way yet they are still unique! What a concept.
The best part of this bedside chat is that when it is time to say good night the child MUST be left with positive words. The I love you message never gets old. It should be repeated ever night when possible. Try, "No matter what you do in life, I will always love you." "You are a good person and I know you will always make me proud." "Even though today was a hard day and we had some arguments, I still want you to know that I love you and I think you are a wonderful person."
The whole idea is that as your child hears those words and you leave the room, they are left with a positive self image as they fall to sleep. The last words in their minds are about them being worthwhile and good. It stays in their minds. The "brainwashing" power sinks in and follows them into their dreams and hopefully, stays with them into the next day and week.
These are just some thoughts. How to deal with day to day problems is another issue. I have advice for many levels of childcare. My background as a mother, aunt, friend and advisor to many has tested me. Give me a try.
Thanks. Mommy J
Introduction
Welcome to my Blog! This is an experiment. Let's see how it goes.
I've always wanted to write a parenting book called "The Magic at Your Child's Bedside," but it hasn't quite panned out. Instead, I'm going to start a friendly, practical parenting advice blog. My hope is that people might write me questions and I can answer them here!
My concept is TLA -- Tender Loving Advice without any judgement! Just sent me a question through the comment feature and I'll do my best to answer. Let's give it a shot!
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